There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
