i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Randomize
