I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
