im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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