You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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