when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
