I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
