I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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