The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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