why didn't you poke me back
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
