literally had 100 drinks last night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
