A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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