Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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