i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
