just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
