I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
