weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
