you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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