I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
