the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
