And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
