i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
