I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
