So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
