We named our party play list daddy issues
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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