i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
