dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sorry about my life...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
