I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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