I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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