one might say we're banned from that church
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
