1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
