the condom got lost in my hair
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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