I will die if light touches me.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
