Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My nipple is on Facebook.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
