...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
