i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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