She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
