Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
