i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
