i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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