i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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