i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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