Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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