It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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