Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
