i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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