I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
