her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
