i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
