My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
