You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
