We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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