I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You pole danced in your parka.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
