please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
